Archived News starting from 01-05-2007 and earlier
BlogAccording to the
Free Press, El Niņo is to thank (blame) for the warm winter
weather this year. I'm sure like myself you immediately flashed back to the SNL skit with Chris Farley, so
here it is. I would have preferred some El Niņo action back in
October for an extended summer but another month of unfrozen nose hairs isn't bad either. My hesitation at buying natural gas stock seems to have been a wise one.
Lisa was complaining about my lack of updates so I thought I'd share a recent discovery she made. Tired of feeding me manually, she recently discovered the
Google patent search and found a
Brad Feeding and Driving Apparatus. After building one in a blatant patent violation, her TV schedule has less interruptions since she need only pull the trigger string to silence my food requests. As an added bonus, I get driven to and from work. Thank you Google patent search!
My annual new years party had the lowest attendance ever, but thanks to the
Leinnintigers it was still technically a
party. I was so happy they decided to stop by I sang them love songs all night and got Lisa drunk off Cold Duck champagne for added entertainment.
My trip to
Niagra Falls inspired many candid photos of me with various disgusting poses, as most vacations do. It also inspired my mother to paint her interpretation of a
specific photo from the trip. In case you're not up on your greek mythology, the painting portrays
Cronus eating his children while his wife Rhea looks on. The part of Cronus being played by me, and the part of Rhea by Lisa. It's nice to have a mother who can turn a disgusting photo into a work of art. Bids for the painting start at $10,500 with an expected post-sale value exceeding $25,000.
Myrone
left for California over 3 years and 4 months ago. Attempts to
replace him never panned out, and I've been lacking in the Myrone department ever since. When cheap airfare to California presented itself I decided it was time for a visit. After my
airline debacle, I was greeted with a
slightly larger Myrone than I remember. I was then
whisked away in a
wild mountain drive of terror before landing at the house of Myrn. Shortly thereafter began my whirlwind tour of
Golden Gate Bridge,
Silicon Valley,
downtown San Francisco and
Alcatraz. My planned visit to
Brian was cancelled due to an abnormally large amount of Myrone and a lengthy drive time, but his spirit was with us during our visit to Castro street. I felt it surround me. My time in California quickly drew to a close, and my post-vacation depression began shortly after being dropped off at the airport. Time now, for a new counter.
A rant regarding my flight to California.
- If you arrive 2 hours before your flight leaves, the flight will be delayed an hour.
- If your ID expired 4 days ago, you will be randomly selected for the cavity search.
- If you have a connecting flight that leaves at 10:45pm, you will not arrive until 10:47pm.
- When you arrive at your hotel 6 hours before your flight leaves, a full bus of people will arrive just before you.
- The hotel will only have one clerk to process everyone when you arrive.
- The people checking in will complain about their flight departing in 12 hours, you'll enjoy the irony.
- Wakeup calls will not work if your phone was knocked off the hook
- Free breakfast is only enjoyable if you have more than 5 minutes to eat it.
- Hotel Airport shuttles departing on the half hour leave 5 minutes early if you arrive 4 minutes early.
- Arriving at the airport 45 minutes before your flight leaves means there will be a 45 minute security line.
- There is a ""late first class"" security line for first class customers.
- When the security guard for the first class security line isn't looking, you can sneak past her.
- Your coach status won't be a problem past the first guard.
- If your ID expired 4 days ago, you will be randomly selected for the cavity search.
- A 20 minute cavity search is faster than a 45 minute line.
- The chemical detectors know your flight departure time, and detect explosive residue if it's less than 15 minutes away.
- When you hear an overhead announcement that your plane is departing in 2 minutes, run.
- Running half a mile to the gate results in dizziness and stinkiness.
Microsoft just released their
Robotics Studio for free (for non-commercial applications). Once I get my $40,000 robot I plan to program it to randomly spank or hump Lisa, freeing me from this repetitive task. Jeffords claims he already knew about this and that it will also program the new
Lego Mindstorms, but I'm not going to trust a budget robotics kit with this critical task. I know you're already asking yourself how you can get a copy of the program for your significant other, but that would cross over into a commercial application and I can't afford the $399 price of the commercial version. Sorry.
My recent employment with
Fathead had brought to light a glaring absence of Fatheads from my home. To correct this, I decided to get a
Stormtrooper Fathead. Lisa was absolutely thrilled I found something to man up the house a bit and immediately suggested placing it in the basement where nobody would see it. Pleased with her reaction, I made her
pose in front of it's very public location and once again referred her to the
good wives guide. It's a great feeling to know I now have a Stormtrooper protecting me from the frequent Morlock incursions. The cat, however, decided it was entirely too much to handle and decided to
hide in the fridge. Somebody call PETA.
If you're dating one, especially if you're engaged to one, they'll eventually
girl up your
house. There is a pre programmed routine in every girl which requires occupying every empty surface with some kind of knick knack, especially during holidays. Fortunately my masculinity has been on the decline sufficiently to actually enjoy the girlification. My only hope is that after the holidays I might reclaim some of my manhood.
Ron and Jenny decided to stop by for some
spaghetti jamboree and karaoke revolution. Ron and I unlocked the "Best New Duet" award, proving without a doubt we were the superior singers. While Ron and I retired to some starcraft/warcraft Lisa and Jenny decided to make a gingerbread house out of white creamy stuff. The innuendo was not lost on Lisa. A failed gnome-kidnapping attempt rounded out the evening.
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