AtomicInternet Archived News

Archived News starting from 04-16-2012 and earlier

Lila decided to help me with my weekly eBay shipping and even offered to auction herself off for extra money. I thanked her and explained the gesture was commendable but unfortunately illegal. Knowing how obsessed I am with making extra money she was initially sad, but I reminded her that by not being sold she could continue to live with me and surprisingly that made her happy again.

This weekend was our first away from Lila since she was born. I don't think Lisa was actually ready, but it beats going insane from cabin fever. First up was Great Wolf Lodge where Lisa took every opportunity available to tell me how much better Kalahari was without explaining why we didn't just go there instead. Next was wine tasting, which despite my efforts at getting drunk I just could not understand the point of. Luckily Lisa learned as long as she didn't buy any wine I had no complaints and completed her tasting rounds. Our final stop was to visit my sister which involves copious amounts of alcohol in various bars and entertainment venues. On returning home, we discovered Lila was still very much alive and non the worse for wear. Vacation success.

Today was my health screening at work, and while it feels a bit intrusive I can't help but agree us fatties should pay more since we're higher risk. That said, I failed every single metric save Glucose, which means my excessive Mountain Dew must be working. Since I'm already technically dead, I can only assume I have superpowers keeping me alive and vow to change nothing about my eating habits.

Metric	Level	Dead
Cholest:	246	> 240
HDL:	23	< 40
LDL:	171	> 160
Trigyl:	258	> 200
TC/HDL:	10.7	> 5.0
BMI:	26	> 25

Last week, with the pending Nokia Lumia 900 launch looming, I conned Lisa into upgrading her AT&T feature (dumb) phone to my precious. Verizon still has no other options for Windows Phones so I must live my dreams through Lisa's account. It arrived today and I of course benchmarked my army of Windows Phones immediately. Lisa has been using the Focus Flash as her secondary phone for several months now, refusing to embrace the smartphone era fully. I could see the social apps sucking her resistance away and knew it was time to strike, but I stopped short of using mind games to get her to choose the Focus as her new phone. In the end, the luscious 4.3" AMOLED screen that dazzled me from day one is what put her off of it, preferring the smaller form factor. Overjoyed, I hugged my new Nokia and drifted off to sleep dreaming of skipping through meadows holding hands with my new friend.

Today my trusty and only recently PITA Cougar turns 13 years old. The first photo I ever took of it involved shenanigans and it's helped define my girlish lifestyle ever since. As a birthday present, I got new Eagle GT 225/45ZR17 tires, and we'll count my decision against sending it to the crusher when the transmission case went as a present as well. My Cougars birthday is so well known, Excelcier decided to throw a party for it. After begging Lisa to skip Easter photos I was on my way to the nerdiest celebration of my cars life. There was no cake.

What began with my cat Sam has now passed to my daughter. Awkward places such as the refrigerator crisper and microwave which were once popular photo opportunities for Sam, are now being revisited by Lila. Despite the unoriginal locations, the comedy level seems to be the same, so they will continue. I now present: Lila in the crisper

Unable to decide the color of my new Focus ST, I decided to hand over responsibility to the Facesbook. Relieved of my 1st world problem, I checked back in a few days to discover semen white was the overwhelming choice. While not a big fan of white, it was probably the best choice given the options availble. The yellow and red will get me tickets, 13 years of silver eliminates that, the blue looks as purple as my truck and black is scratch fever. That leaves white, which is apparently what I'm getting. I'm sure I won't even remember the outside color once I can finally drive one.

I can't stand Instagram. It's an app that applies various filters to your photos and then uploads them to Facebook with the filters PERMANENTLY applied. Anyone who does a Facebook dive into their past that doesn't back up original photos will be wishing they had the unfiltered photos instead of the fad-craze version as the only copy. Fortunately, I found this article which makes all the sarcastic insults for me and saves me some effort writing this. Oh yeah, APRIL FOOLS, but for real Instagram sucks.

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