After getting all hot and bothered about my DPFE sensor, I finally found my AutoTap cable and used my laptop to let my car tell me what was wrong. I was greeted with a "P0340 Camshaft Position Sensor A Circuit (Bank 1 or single sensor)" error, which is about as clear a request for a new Camshaft Position Sensor my car can make. I promptly complied with the request for the $20 part and after a quick procedure search had it swapped out in less than a minute. While guessing what's wrong with an engine is exciting, it's much more satisfying to actually solve it.