AtomicInternet Archived News

It began with Lisa giving me a look of fear, to which I made a snide remark and was informed it was time to get ready for our movie, and that her water may have broken. Having successfully confused me with her order of operations, we drove to see “Gnomeo and Juliet” and got about halfway through before I was informed it was time to go to the hospital. Still in logic overload, I began processing the fact I may soon be a father. Random thoughts started pouring out of my mouth to which Lisa just laughed and calmly told me I was losing my mind. Upon arrival, we were greeted with skepticism being 4 weeks early, so a sample was taken and analyzed at which point I was told we were going home parents. I could hardly keep up with the acronyms and terminology that began flowing out of Lisa and the entire labor and delivery unit who swarmed her room like protective worker bees around their hive. I wisely stood back and did as I was told, helping her walk and rubbing her back as she used various methods to help stimulate contractions naturally. After almost 22 hours of little progress, she finally agreed to oxytocin and immediately started feeling a difference. Fighting the first few urges, she remembered to relax and found them much easier. I tried to look relevant by brushing her hair and telling her to breathe, which worked well until active labor started and I was told to shut up. I then resigned myself to providing water and a cold compress when requested as her co-workers shifted into high gear and talked her through the delivery. Once the baby was poking its head out, it took almost 15 contractions (30 mins) for the final push completely draining Lisa of all energy. Seeing an opportunity to be useful, I followed my new daughter to the warmer where she was toweled off and put under a heating lamp while Lisa was being repaired. The moment she grabbed my finger with her tiny hand I was in love, and refused to leave her side as they moved her into the special care section to get all of the fluid out of her on account of the pre-term condition she was in. With a tight grip on my finger, I watched her fight out the fluid and begin breathing regularly, and smile (probably from gas). Finally my father arrived and only after he swore on his life to never leave her side did I check up on Lisa and discover her taking a well-deserved nap. A stream of visitors including both sets of parents then descended upon the new baby to make her regret ever leaving the safety of Lisa.